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New place , new me and a friend .

Moving in a new place can be alot difficult . It’s not just your home you change its your entire life you change . Your comfort zone gets changed . The place you always eat when you sad , the place you like to sit and watch the sun go down , the place you shop , the bus you take to go home . Even though you don’t know the names of people in the area , you are pretty familiar with them . When you move everything changes .

I shifted ten years ago . Thought to myself new place , new beginning and new friends to make . Being an introvert , it was hard .

There was a girl in my class who used to take the same bus as me . Which meant she lived near me . I had same friends for ten years now . I had to make new friends now . I had no idea what to talk to them . Because , I had nothing in common . Except , she was in my class .I lived in town part and now I was in suburbs . I had no idea , about the places . I had no place to go and eat my loneliness away ( I eat my feelings ) . I only knew how to go to college from my house .

So , when I saw her again in the bus . I thought let’s give it a shot . Being a introvert with anxiety issues I had to just make one friend . Small conversations , that’s all I thought . It was my bday the day before that . I was like ” hi , you are in my class ” . I didn’t knew what to say after that so I searched in my pocket and gave a chocolate and told “it was my bday yesterday” . She is an extrovert . It helped alot cause , her story would go … A stranger gave me a chocolate because it was her bday on a bus . She didn’t mind taking chocolate from a stranger who allegedly said she is in her class even though she didn’t ever saw her .

She is a extrovert . So , I don’t have to think about a topic while talking with her . She show me the best pani puri in the town . Where to shop , where not to shop . Talked about boys . If I saw a cute boy , I have literally dragged her to make her look . There was a incident where we missed 7 to 8 busses because , first time we stood for a hour , we were bored so we decided to walk till the next stop and saw two busses just pass us by as we were walking , once we reached the second stop we waited for another half hour or so then we were hungry so v decided to eat and saw three buses go while we shamelessly enjoyed pavbhaji and chai . Then , we again waited at the third stop n decided to walk till fourth stop and then take a rikshaw . While walking , again two buses passed us by . So when we reached the fourth stop waited for a hour finally boarded the bus . Went to colg it was lunch break . So again went out had a slush (crushed ice with soda ) and came back home . We were really tired of all the standing , waiting for the bus .

She also encouraged me to study . Even though our life took different turn . She an engineer and me in pharmacy . We still have alot to talk about . It’s her birthday . I have wrote many things about her . But , trust me every day with her was an adventure . Once , we were so engrossed in talking and crossing the road we were saved by a sec from getting hit by a mini truck . After , that we decided we would just keep our mouth shut while crossing .

Once , there was a cute guy walking on the road and I just kept staring at him . I decided to tell her so I just looked at my left and saw her fallen on the ground . Looking at me with furious eyes ” I am calling for your help , where are you looking at ” . Ya , she did cursed alittle .

There are alot of other memories also . She is someone who literally taught me how to make our own happiness . So , happy birthday to that girl .

Child in me

Today , I looked at my childhood photographs and saw a smiling child . I just kept looking at it . Thinking , you have no idea what you will be going through . All the traumas , sadness , loneliness , the feeling of drawning in darkness , facing the nightmares , waking up the next morning and continuing the days work as if nothing had happened . Everything just came flashing back . Also , with it came the moments when I had to smile in front of cameras , the times I dressed up and took selfies . The times when I danced like no ones watching . Those long nights I had to study and catch up very fast because I wasn’t present due to my father’s sudden demise . Those self talks I had every morning reassuring myself it’s a new day and it’s a new beginning . I got out of my comfort zone , just to get the kick off it . Solo danced on a stage to feel the rush . Talked to strangers on the bus ( I am a introvert ) . Every ounce of strength I had in me I used it to just make myself smile again . To actually smile the way I used to when I was a kid . Always , looked at my selfies to try and find that smile and never found it . So , again started with all activities . Doing so , now I can say I have baked cakes and cookies , cooked savoury dishes , made ice cream (1kg) n ate it all by myself , dabbed into dancing (joint workshops every weekend ) , painted a picture (colour by numbers for adults ) , knitted something ( because it didn’t come out as accepted ) , read lot of books , did a little diy projects at home , tried my hands on photography , Ofcourse , read research papers . And , many more small Victories . For just that smile . I had to always make sure I don’t loose the child who smiles .

If ever a time machine is invented . I would just go and hug myself and smile to give her hope . Eventually at the end , you will smile . Until then , hold on tightly .

Charging up

To be ordinary , have the normal dream what people have , to have kids , a job (any job for the sake of doing a job ) , to have a house , a retirement plan . Or , to push yourself and be extra ordinary , have the biggest dream that actually scares you , to have job which you love so much that it doesn’t feels like a job , to have a home , no retirement plans . The later sounds good but , is not possible in a snap of a finger . It takes patiences , compromise .

I always ask this question to myself . Do I just quit on my dream . And , go for that ordinary life . It’s easy , it’s simple , no hustle , normal routine . Or , do I push myself , try my luck , risk it all , be stubborn .

For now there are these two sides . One telling settle for something easy . And one telling me . You weren’t born for ordinary life .

I wasn’t born ordinary . You know , ordinary child starts to speak within a year , mama papa . I didn’t for atleast four years . Once I did , I stammered , I had difficulty in speaking probably every word . I wasn’t perfect . Many problems followed after that , academically . Being teased , being leftout , being the joke . Through , everything I pushed myself . Always speaking to myself it’s going to be fine . Cause , I had to . No one else did .

I pushed myself to speak . Everyday , was a new day to get atleast my name pronounced right . Until , the day I finally did it . It took fifteen years . I never gave up dreaming . Dreaming to have a life even though people around me blamed my condition on me . News flash , kids actually remember everything . Words matter when you are speaking to them . The beginning of one’s life matters ( lesson learnt from a book Yes , ask again ) , it does . Trust me , experienced . Even if I ignored it or tried to forget about it . It will matter .

A stranger told me , you are not giving yourself much credit for doing it . You did that . You accomplished something . You did that . Always remember .

And , yes I did that . I pushed myself everyday to be little better than the day before . Motivated myself . My mom used to always show me quotes of motivation , examples of people who accomplished in life despite the fact that they were born different . I had to keep on remembering the examples whenever I felt low . Assuring myself that I could do it . I guess , I had all that energy in me . I have no idea from where I got that smile .I always smiled . I was born different with super powers I guess . Cause , a girl born with speaking problems had the guts to dream of going on an foreign land and learn to speak their language . It was a pretty huge dream for her . For you guys it’s simple . For her , it never was n never will be . For her , world was with limits . She couldn’t speak in groups . Or have a long conversation with anyone . Or have the guts to answer in class . She used to write what she speaks . So many spelling mistakes .

Slowly , her energy she was born with started depleting . So , she rest . Plugged herself to charge up again . To do it all over again . Cause , she was born to break the chains she was born with . She already broke one . The important one . As she grew up society bonded her with other chains . Time to break those .

It’s going to be a long ride with me . And , I m going to always write it down . So that I know . I did that and never forget . Appreciate myself for the things I have done . Cause , that’s how I will know what all I can do .

Taking it slow for now

“Tears are words that need to be written ” – Paulo Coelho

There are days when I am at my finest . The bubbly mood and just in a snap I am silent . It has nothing to do with the other person or with the topic of discussion it’s just me . I am not ignoring the texts , or giving attitude . I am just not happy .

I feel everything sadness , anger , guilt , fear , anxiety but , not happiness . So , I search for it . The only answer I get is from Mr. Angry . They label it as a personality . That’s what who I am . I am angry and sad all the time . Than , one day a person ask the angry me what is hurting you so much ? Why so much pain ?

Pain which was always inside me . I let it out . And yes , I let it consume me completely . Let it make me silent . Closed all the doors . Ended communications . It felt really shitty (pardon my language but it’s a journal I can write it. ) at that time . It felt like I had no energy in me . So I paused . This is not something a lot will do . I know you will say it’s wrong. Be strong . Let me explain you something.

I came across a article which said , imagine holding a glass of water in your hand . After , sometime the hand will start paining . It doens’t matter if the glass is filled half or full . The longer you hold it in your hand the pain will increase . It will increase so much that the only option is to cut the hand . But , actually it’s not the hand that’s the problem it’s the glass of water in the hand . Put the glass of water down the pain will stop. It goes same with us humans . The hand is our brain and the glass of water is the traumatic event / thoughts / emotions/ .

I put my glass of water down . It wasn’t easy but it felt good . I am not saying I am totally fine . I try to actually ease the pain . I am walking at snail’s speed for now . I stopped finding happiness and started dealing with the pain . Small victories a day . Messaging a friend is a victory . Calling her is a bigger one . Baking cake , reading a book , studing , going for a walk . People don’t understand the reason of my silence and shutting all the doors . And I don’t give them explanation . I just walk slow . One day at a time .

Letter to dad

Pappa , there are days I accept you are gone and move on with my life . Than there are days when I wish you should be here . Last few days were those days . I wished you were here . I wished somehow you would come .

Parents teach you to act and reply no matter the age . And you taught me the same . I don’t always follow your instructions . I try my best . Because , you were always different from others . Never gave back answer to anyone no matter how bad the other person hurt you . You never demanded a special treatment from anyone . You never hold grudge . You never said ” He replied me in this way I will reply him the same.” You always forgave even when the other person didn’t apologized .

You always said good things about others . You always pointed the positive about people . You always had a polite tone . You taught me to be the same . To forgive , to not hold grudge , to not take revange verbally or in action .

It was easy to follow your rules and your actions when you were there besides me . It’s hard now . In this world full of taking revenge and pointing the nagative and talking back. I am afraid to be like them cause I don’t want to be like them . I want to be like you . I want to trust God in the same way you trusted him . I am not the girl who treats people the way I was treated by them. I don’t hold grudge on people specially loved on . It’s becoming more and more difficult to be that person .

I had made a promise to you I will never react to negative comments , to the ones who try to bring me down , to the ones who try to make me angry . Trying to keep that promise is draining all my energy . You were the fuel to my energy . I need you . I miss you .

Prologue

The sun was hot and all she wanted to do was to sleep in her bed for just few more hours, but she had to go to classes on an early Sunday morning. Her papa told her to tightly hold his hands and walk. Walk! she hated walking, that too on a Sunday morning. She could barely keep her eyes open while walking. Holding her papa’s hand she crossed the intersection.

For a Sunday morning it was crowded. There were people all around her, talking, car honking, people shouting. The noise woke her up and she concentrated on what her papa was saying to her.

“You should know to read the body language of people ” and she thought, “oh, this again”.

“I am getting old and you are what ? Just 10 or 12 years old”. She thought, “Here, comes the speech again” and he doesn’t know exactly how old I am. She could never imagine him actually leaving her hand ever. She always thought he is going to be there, always. He was fine by health , no illness, no disease. He was just practical. She felt something which she could never explain in words when he used to mention he is going to die. She was ten years old with less number or words in her vocabulary or she just didn’t know then what this feeling is. After years she would know, it was emotional pain.

“I’m being practical and telling you this. I won’t be around to tell you all this when you actually need it. Observe, observe around you, if you become good at it you can predict the other person’s next move”. His favourite book was Sherlock Holmes. Favourite actor was James Bond . As a child she was restricted to watch some movies and some scenes, but not James bond movies . They used to just have one feet distance between television and them while watching James bond movies. Some days he used to tell her to stop studying and focus on the movie. Watch how he solves the case, how he finds out who is against him, how he is vigilant, how he pays attention to little details. Little details, they tell you about a person.

The day she told him she read a Nancy drew book his answer was read Sherlock Holmes.

“Do you know how many stores were open and how many were closed when we passed by ? Walking is a great exercise. If u want to have fun, just count the number of white cars you see while walking or number of people wearing black shirt or the number of trees planted. “You always pass by this road do you know number of tress between your house to your destination ?”. His idea of fun was total different from hers. They were similar in looks, anyone could tell that’s her father. “It’s Sunday, and we passed by so many people. Did you see what they were doing ? There are some things school books can’t teach you but you can learn from observing others and also books, not just school books but novels, short story books teaches you something or other. It always increases your information on topics . You can also know about the author while reading a book. Reading is always a good use of your time” and time was what he had less with her . Destination arrived and she departed to study intensively on topics she doesn’t remember now, but she remembers the walk they had.

After years she got to know those words were only spoken to her and not to her elder sister. Maybe because he saw a little of him in her. He gave her a hobby which was to read and think about what you read, to watch and think about what u saw, to walk. Now she just loves to walk and observe around her.

Observe and wonder why ? How ? Deduce and more is what that girl is now learning. Emphasis on learning, not just in her career or when she reads a book but also in her daily life. She will be sharing with you small chapters of her life.